#there are some more intimate things that i don't think i'd be comfy sharing but i'm certaintly able to discuss like

[moss-with-legs]

Hold You Close; Call You Mine

“So, tell me... Do you like sweets?” 

"Sweets? Of course I do! My favorite are gummy worms, what are yours?" 

“Ice cream.” 

"Ice cream? I'll have to share one with you sometime," he said with a sly smirk before he chuckled to himself. 

The two of you were chilling out together as friends, watching tv, and chatting. 

he puts his arm around you and pulls you close. 

"Do you mind if I rest my head on your shoulder?" he asks, blushing. 

“Go for it.” 

After all this time being partners and going on missions together, this was like second nature to the two of you. ‘Comfortable,’ you think. ‘Domestic,’ even. 

he wraps his arms around you, hugging you tightly 

"You're so soft~" he says in an even softer whisper 

“Favorite color?” You muse, pressing further, trying to ignore the heat building in your chest and the fact that you stopped paying attention to the sitcom that was playing fifteen minutes ago. 

"It's hard to pick one....but I'd say sky blue. What about yours?" 

You tell him yours and he lets out an amused ‘hmm’ at your answer 

he leans his head against you. “That is a nice color." 

“Favorite... tv show?” 

"I really love Friends. I know it's cliche and all, but there's just something I enjoy about the show," 

he chuckles slightly before he closes his eyes 

"You're too comfy..." 

“Bleh. I don't like that one.” (It’s a perfectly fine show you guess, just not your favorite...) 

"Bleh? What do you watch then, you heathen?” 

“The Golden Girls,” you say smugly. “Top Tier Comedy.” 

"Really? That show is kinda old," he chuckles 

"Do you like old shows more?" 

No... something about it is just comforting I guess,” 

"Yeah I get what you mean....it kinda feels like home doesn't it?" he asks as he moves his head to look at you 

“Hmm maybe.” You quickly look for a way to get his gaze off of you- it's too piercing, too... intimate. 

“Favorite band?” 

"Ah,” this catches his attention, and you can’t help but smile at the way his sky blue eyes light up when he hears the question. “I like a lot of different types of bands. But I really love Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, and Guns N' Roses." 

He seems satisfied with his answer, albeit a bit shy to have revealed it so easily. He rubs his arm with his hand and yawns 

"What about you?" 

“Honestly, that sounds about right for you,” you chuckle. “I don't know if I can choose though...” 

he raises his eyebrow as a slight blush tints his cheeks 

"Why does it seem right for me?" 

“Heh, I dunno... I can just picture you listening to something loud and instrumental.” 

"I like how you know me pretty well, it's cute," he says with a smirk, nudging you with his elbow 

“Then it's a good thing you have me for a partner then, huh,” you quip back. 

"You're such a dork hehe... but yeah I guess you're right. It's nice having you there by my side," he chuckles as his stomach growls. 

"I'm pretty hungry, you?" 

“What are you thinking?” 

"How about this? How about we go grab some burgers?" he says as he gets off the sofa and stretches 

“That also sounds right for you,” you say, definitely not looking at the way his muscles flex when he does that. 

"Well, it's my favorite food," he chuckles. "You want to get in my Truck? Or shall we walk?" 

“I won't say no to a ride.” 

He smiles warmly as he holds out his hand for you to take. 

"Then let's drive together." 

“Okay.” 

he takes your hand and you both head towards his truck and he opens the passenger door for you 

"After you~" he chuckles as he glances at you 

“Oh, how charming,” you fire back. 

"I try, I'm glad to see the charm thing is working on you~" he teased as he closed the door, walking around the truck and getting in the driver's seat. 

You turn on the radio as you pull off. 

"Oh yeah?" he looks over at you 

"What do you like to listen to?" 

“Hmm...” You flip the stations until you land on something you like. 

He turns his head in your direction again as he turns the steering wheel. 

"heyyy,,," he says after a beat. 

“Yeahhh?” you mimic. 

"I... kinda like you,” he pauses, “if you know what I mean..." he offers a small smirk before returning his gaze at the road again. 

“Awh, only kinda?” you tease, “Your trusted partner that keeps you out of trouble and knows your favorite things and rides with you at 2am to get burgers? Dang, what’s it gonna take to make it into this guy’s good graces?” 

He sighs, blushing slightly as he looks at you. 

"You know what I mean...I really like you. A lot." he adds shyly. 

“Heh, well then...” you say, smiling to yourself, “I'm glad. I like you too Leon. A lot.” 

he looks at you 

"And what if I asked to kiss you?" 

You smile wholly then,  

“Can I ask that you feed me first?” 

He raises an eyebrow before he chuckles 

"Of course, you can babe. It wouldn't be a very romantic date if we didn't eat now, would it?" 

he asks, continuing to drive and taking exits for the burger joint 

“Oh?? Is this a date now?” you ask, your eyebrows raised in turn this time. 

he smirks. That Bastard. 

"I thought it was." 

he says with all too much confidence, before slowing down to park and turning off the engine, turning to look at you 

You laugh playfully, “That's to be determined I suppose.” 

he gets out of the car before coming to the passenger side and opening the door for you. 

"Shall we enter the burger joint my lady?" 

he smiles before extending his arm out in order for you to hold it. 

You raise an eyebrow, but take his hand and step out anyway, playfully bumping your hip against his. 

he chuckles softly as he puts his other hand over your hip, looking over to your face as you both enter the restaurant. The restaurant itself was notably bustling despite the late time 

"It's a lot busier than I thought it would be" he mumbles to you before walking in to find a table. 

“Mmhm,” you hum in agreement as you lean into him. 

The two of you manage to find a table and a waiter comes up to help. 

"Table for two?" 

"Yes please" replies Leon as you take your seats, him sitting next to you. He nudges your side. 

"What would you like hm?" 

“Fries and a shake please,” 

"And I'll have a bacon burger and a milkshake please" 

he said smiling softly before the waiter walked away. He turns to face you. 

"You know, I don't think I've ever been on a date with someone like you before, you're really sweet." 

“Oh? How have your other dates been then?” 

"...I think it would be better if I didn't answer that question...” 

he says as color fills his face 

You laugh, “Ha-ha, no, I really wanna know now. Tell me?” 

he looks around first to see if anyone else is hearing the conversation before turning to look at you 

"Alright, you asked for it," he teases. He leans closer to you, a smirk across his lips as his voice goes down a volume. 

"All of my other dates were...they were...well...they wanted to..." 

“They wanted to what?” 

"..." 

he stops talking, he sighs, looking at you intently. 

"...you want me to say it don't you?" 

“yES!” 

"...they only wanted ONE thing from me...you know what I mean..." he said slowly, blushing 

"...after the second date they never wanted to see me again..." 

You’re taken aback. Honestly it makes sense because he looks Like That. Still, it’s sad, and you feel bad for him. Don’t they realize how sweet he really is? 

“Aw you poor thing...didn't you mention you had a girlfriend once though? How was that?” 

his face flushes more as he hears the topic being changed 

"Umm...my ex girlfriend....she....she...was nice for a while..." 

he said with a small frown 

"But she started getting...more distant. And then she cheated on me," 

he said softly 

“Oh...” 

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked” 

"No, it’s alright, Really,” he adds upon seeing your concern. 

He leaned back on the seat, sighing before looking at you again. 

"Hey...can I... can I try something?" 

“Try what?” 

he leans in closer to you, his face only inches away from yours 

"Can I try...giving you a kiss?" 

You lean in to meet him, only to stop short and whisper, 

"the food is here." 

"Huh? Oh right...alright let's dig in," 

he chuckles softly as the waiters place the food in front of the both of you. Leon takes a few fries and eats those. 

"Y'know....there's something I've been meaning to ask..." 

he looks at you 

You look up from your milkshake. 

“Something beyond wanting to kiss me?” 

"Haha okay...you got me there. But if you let me...can I ask what I've been wondering?" 

You not-so-subtly sneak a piece of bacon from his burger. 

“Sure, ask away.” 

He looks down at his burger and the piece of bacon that is missing. 

"Hey! Give it back~" 

he laughs as his face turns slightly red. he sighs, 

"Okay....well...., do you ever think about maybe wanting to be more than just friends?" 

“Hmmm...” You pretend to mull it over. 

“Getting to patch you up after missions, hang out with you to get food at horrid hours of the morning, hold you close and call you mine, kiss every mole and freckle on that cute face of yours... 

...I think I'd like that, Leon.” 

his jaw just about drops as he blushes intently, he was caught off guard after you described...what you wanted to do 

"W-wait a minute! You really want that?!" 

he looked at you with a blushing face and a shocked expression 

You grin wickedly and start to laugh  

“I do, yeah.” 

He chuckles with you and takes your hand, squeezing it tightly with his. 

"'Hold you close and call you mine.' What do you mean by that hmm?" 

he asks in a whisper, his blushing face filled with curiosity 

“Oh, ah...” you falter. You begin to feel your cheeks heat up and go to take a sip of your milkshake.  

“I did say that didn't I? 

Leon smiles as a look of anticipation flashes across his face 

"So, what did you mean by that, darling?" he asks softly. 

“Oh you know....” you start, “I just want to um... hold you sometimes... 

I would be so lucky... to know that... you would enjoy being with me too...” you trail off. 

"Baby," he chuckles, 

"I'd Love to be with you, it'd make me feel...not so alone anymore." 

he says, taking the milkshake from your hands and taking a sip of it. 

“Heyy! Is that payback for the bacon?” 

he sighs, 

"Yes, it is, I figured it was only fair if I took some of your milkshake." 

He takes another sip. 

"Damn...this is actually pretty delicious." 

You chuckle and continue eating your fries with one hand, while holding his with the other. 

"I see you're not too angry I took your milkshake," 

His face was still blushing as he looked at you with a grin. 

"C'mere." 

he said to you as he leaned in and kissed your cheek, giggling as he did so. 

You giggle as well,  

“hol’ on you got a little somethin’ there.”  

You point to the corner of his mouth at an imaginary stain and lean in to kiss it, catching him off guard. 

he was surprised, his face turning an even brighter red as the feeling of your lips touching his made him flutter 

"Bleh!" 

he giggled 

"You're a meanie, you know that?" 

he said with a pout, smiling. He then licked the imaginary stain in the corner of his mouth just to tease you. 

“Bleh?!” you say in mock affront. 

“I thought you wanted a kiss?” 

"Oh I do~ I definitely wanted a kiss..." 

a smirk appeared on his face 

"Would you mind giving me a proper one~?" 

he asks, his face still blushing despite your teasing 

“A proper kiss? Hmph! I'll have to think about it.” 

"Ohh nooo, what shall I do to convince you? You want to hold me close right? Wouldn't a kiss help with that?" 

With a smirk he looked around to see if anyone was staring before he leaned in and kissed you on the lips, holding it for a few seconds before pulling away. 

“You're such a dork,” you whisper across his lips. 

"And you love that about me, right?" 

he says, looking at your smiling face. The two of you are now sitting there like lovers, smiling from cheek to cheek. A few of the people in the restaurant begin to look at you and him. 

"Uhh babe...people are looking at us now..." 

his face turns red as he sees the people looking at the both of you 

"W-want to maybe go outside and eat our food there??" he mutters 

“Nah, let ‘em look.” you say, “I'm almost done anyway...unless you're really uncomfy? Then I don't mind.” 

his confidence comes back to him 

"You know what? You’re right. Let them stare, we're dating and that's all that matters." 

he grins as his face turns red 

"I'm pretty much done with my food anyways," 

he says before patting your leg. 

"Wanna head to the truck?" 

You stifle a yawn and nod.  

“Yeah, okay.” 

"Alright sweetheart." 

He smiles with a nod he gets up from his seat and holds his hand out for you. 

"After you of course~" 

You groan at his teasing but take his hand again anyway. 

he smiles 

"Why? You don't like that?" 

he asks curiously as if he didn't know. He walks outside with you as you both head to the truck, he then opens the passenger door for you. 

"Aww, are you tired cutie?" 

his face was still red, blushing at the nickname 

You get in, shaking your head at his antics. 

"Aw come on, you're just so cute~ you can't help being so cute you know?" 

he chuckles. 

Once you're inside, he gets in, getting in the driver's seat and turning on the engine before turning to you and grinning. 

"So, I know it's really late, but do you want to sleep at my house tonight? Or would you like me to drop you off at yours?" 

“Hmm... would you let me hold you if I stayed over?” 

"Oh please~ I would love that," his face goes red immediately as he looks at you, grinning happily. 

"I would love to cuddle you right now darling; you make me feel so...comforted..." 

he leans over and kisses your cheek again. 

“Alright then,” you smile, “let's go.” 

he smiles and starts to drive back to his apartment; it took a few minutes but eventually he parks 

"Alright, we're here. I'm so lucky to have met you..." 

he says before getting out of the car and opening your door, waiting for you to get out 

“Despite the unlucky circumstances that brought us together?” 

he nods. 

"Yes, despite everything....I'm happy I met you. I'm happy I'm dating you. My life would be boring without you in it." 

With a wide smile on his face and he holds his arm out, his hand waiting for you to hold it once you get out of the truck. 

You take his arm in yours and lean against him. 

his eyes light up and he smiles gently 

"Thank you." 

he leans down to your ear and whispers, 

"Shall we head up to my apartment? The neighbors won't be able to sleep if we're making out in public." 

He laughs, and it's delightful and genuine and makes you feel bubbly inside. 

“Woah there, Agent. I remember discussing cuddles, not making out.” 

his laughter dies down into chuckles. 

"Oh, come on, give me a little credit, it's hard to want to just cuddle you. But if that's what you want then that's what we'll do." he leans in closer to you as the two of you walk on the sidewalk, looking at you with a smirk. 

"Besides...if we do end up making out, I don't mind~" 

“Uh huh,” you say giving him a little pinch in the side. “We'll see.” 

he looks down at you with a wide grin 

"I think it'd be fun~" 

The two of you eventually make it to his apartment building, his arm still around yours as he opens the door and you both enter. 

It's quiet now and you yawn again while taking off your jacket and shoes. You look over to the clock on the wall and muse that it might be time for us to head to bed. 

he yawns as well. 

"We probably should head to bed but...I dunno, I want to keep talking to you tonight." 

he says softly 

"You know...I want you to stay in my room with me tonight...will you? I know it may seem sudden but...I don't want us to be separate tonight..." 

“Well, we've shared a bed before on mission so it shouldn't be too different right? Can I borrow a t-shirt to sleep in?” 

"That's exactly what I was going to say, and yes, you can have one of my shirts to sleep in, I'll go grab it." 

He went to his room and grabbed a T-shirt as he came back, walking over and giving it to you. 

"Here you go babe" 

“Thanks.” You go to get changed and hangout in the bedroom waiting for him. 

He comes into the bedroom a few minutes later, wearing sweatpants. 

"Can I sit with you on the bed?" 

he asks softly, his tired face looking at you. 

"I'm sorry if I sound clingy...I just want to hold you right now." 

No, no, it's okay. Come here,” you say. 

he walks to you and you both sit on the bed; he leans on you and wraps his arm around you 

"Thanks, just having you here is already soothing...you know that?" 

“I feel the same,” you tell him.  

You turn towards you and begin to nuzzle into his neck, inhaling his freshly showered scent and leaving a quick kiss on his shoulder. 

“Wanna lay down?” 

He smiled and laid down flat on the bed, pulling you to lay atop his chest. 

"Of course, I do...c'mon, cuddle with me, you can even sleep on my chest," 

he says softly, his face blushing again as you kissed him. 

You sigh and wrap your arms and legs around him. 

“I'm so happy. You make me happy, Leon. Thank you... for being mine.” 

you hear a soft sniffle, and he pulls you in tightly. 

"Thank you...thank you soo much for loving me..." 

he smiles 

"I really am lucky to have such a beautiful person like you..." 

He's about to speak again until a yawn escapes him. 

You rub small circles across his hip as you grow more tired, comfortable and safe in his warm embrace.  

His face turns red as you start rubbing circles on his hips, his arms wrap around you as he gently kisses the top of your head; his eyes slowly droop as he holds you. You could feel him start to breathe in and out softly. 

“Goodnight Leon.” 

He smiles in his near sleep, wrapping his arms around you more tightly. 

“I love you...goodnight sweetheart~" 

he says softly, his eyes slowly shutting, and falling asleep. 

[wishingtobehere]

Umm so. I read your new pinned post, and I hadn't looked that deeply into you as a person before.

You mentioned being greyromantic. I had never heard that term before. I did some googling to try and figure out what it meant (I've got the idea now). And something about the definition kinda clicked with me.

If you are comfortable answering, then I was wondering how you /knew/ you were greyromantic. It's okay if you don't want to share, I'm just trying to figure myself out a bit.

hi! i'm super glad to receive this ask so no worries at all!

I actually only like just decided on this label so I'm not even totally sure if it will stick, but I will explain my reasoning the best I can. From what I understand, greyromantic means that you experience romantic attraction very rarely and/or in small amounts. I think this tracks with what I've experienced, because while I certainly don't have an alloromantic experience, I also don't feel like I can confidently say I've never felt romantic attraction ever at all. There have been some people who I have felt some kind of attraction to. It's hard to describe exactly what it is? I'd say like a kind of infatuation with them as a person— wanting to be around them and cuddle/hug. Thinking they're pretty or otherwise nice looking. Wanting to like...look at them and hold them and be with them.

This happens rarely but I can't ignore the fact that it has happened. It's also hard for me to separate wanting to achieve societal normalcy with experiencing attraction that's intrinsic to myself. The one time I dated someone, I convinced myself I wanted to because I liked him, but later I realized it was because I wanted to feel wanted and normal in society (I grew up in an extremely heteronormative environment and the possibility of being queer didn't occur to me until college).

Romantic attraction has been harder for me to figure out than sexuality. I knew I was ace pretty much as soon as I learned about the concept and was able to parse through internalized queerphobia enough to accept that this was me. What made it easier, I think, is that sex is a definable physical act. It was easier to conclude that yes, I have definitely never felt a bodily urge to do that with someone. But since romance seems to encompass more things that tend to be more emotional than physical, it's harder for me to tell.

So I am using this label for now because it fits with how I understand myself and romance right now. But it's not something where I had an experience of being like "oh, I know that I am greyromantic now". I don't know if I will ever reach a point like that with romance in the same way I did with sexuality. However, I also encourage myself and others to be okay with that uncertainty. Labels can be tried on and borrowed. They are just names we made up to help us understand and describe ourselves— so if there isn't one that fits you perfectly, that's okay, and you don't necessarily ever need to "know" what your orientation is according to the names we've made for various experiences. Studying queer history has helped me a lot in this regard. Because people understood orientations in different ways and called things by different names throughout history, it helps me understand that it's okay if none of the words we have right now seem to stick.

I know that this is not always helpful to hear, and you were probably looking for a response that would give you clear parameters for determining your identity. But I've found that it doesn't work like that unfortunately. I nonetheless wish you luck on your identity journey, and I send solidarity as a fellow member of the aro spectrum <3

[laurelier]

ello meg top o the morning to ya. i woke up thinking about harry, as one does, and thought i'd drop by your inbox again. it's about his tour outfits, more specifically, and you wrote something about them ((i hope you remember where bc i couldn't find it)) being purposely chosen to make us direct our attention to him and the entirety of the concert as a whole, instead of his body/looks (right, i hope you said that)

anyway, i totally agree with that, and today i woke up with thoughts of comfort and how harry seems to be someone who holds on to trinkets and wears the same pieces of clothing to offer him that comfort of familiarity. like with the worn-down vans, a lot of the rings, etc. so then i thought it was only the most natural of choices for a tour like this, after/during a crazy anxiety-inducing time, to go with comfy, comforting outfits. just keeping the variables of shit giving harry stress as low as possible, as well as making sure he is at ease on stage. (bc he did make it known before how his tour outfits weren't comfortable and some days you can deal with that and others you're just. no. yk? like i love dressing up and looking crazy but nothing beats the blissful comfort of Big Pants... yk?)

apparently i don't know how to keep anything short or quick so i hope you're happy with this absurd morning rant of mine 🥸🧜‍♀️

Ello Ella I am. SO. happy with this not at all absurd morning rant of yours. So sosoosososo happy and ugh just this made me so soffffft just. H holding onto trinkets and meaningful objects. All those little trademarks he has. H being comf. It's so tennndeerrrrrr.

And about his tour outfits and being gazed at—I did say that in a tagrant a while ago! Wee! Your ask came at a time when I’ve had this recent post of @swimmingleo's on the brain, where they talked about Harry and the POV of those backstage shots. So I’m just gonna kinda mush this together with that.

Like, idk, lots of artists do tour uniforms or even wear the same exact clothes every night, where H has been switching up the colors all the time, so maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here, but. I think the invasiveness of the behind the scenes bathroom photos vs. the relative looseness/uniformity of the tour uni kind of..... say ~*~things**~…… when they're put opposite one another. We both assemble/construct and disassemble/deconstruct ourselves in bathrooms, right—we turn ourselves into whatever we've been asked to be, and also care for our bodies in really basic intimate physical ways—so, like. That environment where there's no one but you to see you, before you have to perform—plus the glitzy shell of the Big Pants tour outfits that I feel are meant to encourage looking at H with a bit more softness? It's like there's a mixing of those two spaces, almost, like, pulling a little bit of the genuineness and comfort of privacy onto the stage, which is obvi a place where artists are seen/consumed by their audience.

Honestly I think Leo's point that these backstage photos bring up the way H is constantly being observed, even in spaces where he recovers from that exposure, holds more water—but I do wonder at the combo of the clear preference for loose-fitting, sort-of uniform clothes and the way he's sharing pretty vulnerable little moments recently.

TLDR I know I'm not the only one wondering if there's something being said in this overwhelming deluge of tour content H is giving us about the way the world just. Eats Harry up, and how he seems to be using vulnerability and softness and, yeah, like you said, comfort, in conversation with that. Lil Leeds bracelet wearing mf.

[nuoyipeach]

Progression

Jaehyun X Yeri

At first mornings were Yeri's favourite because it was the only time she had some silence to herself, sitting at the table with coffee and thinking about her future before preparing breakfast for the two. Jaehyun would wake up an hour later and clean up after their meal while she got ready since she always leaves first. Having been arranged (with their consent of course) for their family businesses to join and grow, it was quite awkward at first, from sharing the same bed and bathroom to eating together during meals.

At night they'd arrive together, as Jaehyun figured it was only courtesy for him to pick her up everyday as her husband, but it would be silence it the car. They'd eat dinner, freshen up for the night, and straight to bed it was, both facing either directions.

The first time they were close was a month after their marriage, in the middle of the night. Yeri woke up feeling something strange, and noticed Jaehyun's arm was secured around her waist, his front stuck to her back. She felt awkward, but also warm and comfy. She wondered if he did this on purpose or by accident until she fell asleep again.

She didn't bother to bring it up the next day, but later that night was woken up again feeling themselves in the same position. This time she turned slowly to face him and saw he was asleep. Biting her bottom lip, she gently cupped his cheek, waiting for a moment before rubbing her thumb against it. His eyes fluttered open and she stopped in her place, scared he might be mad.

Jaehyun was anything but that. He slipped his other arm under her and pulled her closer, the hand that was over her waist now holding her hand on his cheek and bringing her palm to his lips where he left soft kisses. Yeri was shocked but let him do whatever as he now held her hand against his cheek, and gave a loving smile.

"I hope by now, at least I'm allowed to hold you."

Yeri blinked a few times confused. "We're married. Why wouldn't you be allowed to hold me whenever you want to? Frankly, I didn't think you'd be like this..."

"I know," he replied tired, holding her closer as she felt a kiss on her forehead, "as always people think I'm unaffectionate. I can be mean at work, but come on. You're my wife, and were at home. If anything I'd love to cuddle with you everyday."

Yeri smiled and hugged him back, nuzzling her face into his pajama top. "You don't need my permission, hug me whenever you want."

Their first intimate night happened three months after their marriage. Jaehyun couldn't look away from her the whole day, something about her was glowing and he tried his best holding in his urges to just grab and kiss her hard. By the time it was night, they sat together on the couch (as it was a weekend) and played a movie. While Yeri's attention was on the TV, Jaehyun on the other hand couldn't look away from her.

Yeri felt his gaze the whole day, and finally as the movie ended, she turned to look at him, his eyes catching her whole attention. "Why do you look at me like that?" she asked softly.

"Like what?"

She turned her whole body to face him completely, moving closer until their faces were just inches away. "If you have something to say or want, just tell me." her hand cupped his cheek, and at this moment he felt like exploding.

"You... I want you, the whole day I've been wanting you to myself."

A surprise to him, Yeri smiled and kissed his lips softly, chuckling as she pulled away when he chased after for more. "You have me Jaehyun, I'm all yours." they kissed again, Jaehyun slowly pulling her onto his lap while her arms hooked around his neck. He carried her up, locking her legs around his waist and smiling through the kiss as he walked to their bedroom.

Reaching their bed he gently laid her down, as if she were the most fragile and precious thing in his life. He hovered above her, their noses touching lovingly as she giggled and cupped his cheek, bringing him closer for another kiss.

They did nothing but make sweet love that night, their eyes never breaking contact until Jaehyun dipped his head into the crook of her neck, peppering kisses all over her skin. He slowly trailed his lips over her skin up to her face, until their lips were just touching.

"I love you Yeri."

Yeri felt so full, physically and emotionally, tears suddenly appearing which scared Jaehyun that he tried to move away, before she grabbed behind his neck and held him close. "I love you too, Jaehyun." she whispered before colliding their lips again.

They woke up so happy the next day, a happiness that could last forever in their lives. But instead, it was silenced for a week.

Their first fight, if you could call it that, five months after their marriage. It started off with silence. Yeri stayed up waiting for her husband to come home from a company dinner, and when he did he walked in drunk. While trying to help him into bed, Yeri couldn't help notice the scent of his jacket. Women's perfume, and definitely not her own.

She didn't blow up. Instead she let him rest and decided to wait for him to come clean about whatever happened the night before. The next morning she waited, then the next day, and the next, and the next. It was on the fourth day when speaking with one of her close friends, who happened to be engaged with one of Jaehyun's work friends, when she let go of her tears from the fear of being cheated on.

"I don't want to jump to conclusions... But it's been four days, four days I haven't spoken to him and he still won't speak up about anything!" she cried as Irene hugged her tight.

Contrary to her thoughts, Jaehyun was in a similar situation. He pulled Johnny to have lunch with him and opened up on why he was frustrated past few days during work. "She seems so distant, as if hiding something... What if she is?" he sighed dropping his face into his hands. Johnny shook his head and pat his back, simply giving empty words of encouragement.

If it wasn't for the second couple exchanging talks about their day with each other, and Johnny accidentally mentioning about Jaehyun's situation, who knows how long this silent treatment would have continued. When finding out why Yeri was silent from his fiance, Johnny called Jaehyun and told him.

"That night after I dropped you off, she helped you to bed and apparently you smelled like some other woman's perfume."

"Then why is she quiet?"

"She's been waiting for you to speak up first, she doesn't want to falsely accuse you."

Jaehyun was mad, whether at himself or at his wife he didn't know, he was just mad. He stormed out of his office room to their bedroom, where Yeri was on her own laptop. He pushed it off her lap with a groan and pulled her up to stand, calming himself down only after seeing the fear in her eyes by his sudden behaviour, and held her shoulders tight but gently.

"Why won't you speak to me? No, actually, why didn't you just question me? Why didn't you just tell me what it was that made you upset? I was drunk, do you think I could tell what happened between you and I?" he breathed hard, noticing tears welling up in her eyes and pulled her in, hugging her tight to his chest. "Do you know how scared I was? I thought you fell out of love. Or you never loved me in the first place. I thought you had someone else in mind. I thought you were going to leave me..."

Yeri could feel his tears on her shoulder and didn't hold back from crying herself. But she still wanted to know about that night. She gently pushed out of his hold and looked him in the eye. "Please tell me now, why you smelled like another woman's perfume."

Jaehyun sighed and hugged her tight again. "We were at a barbecue restaurant, the employee sitting beside me sprayed herself after we finished so that her car wouldn't smell of smoke afterwards." he pulled her out to face her, clearly upset. "How would I have known why you were silent Yeri? I understand you didn't want to accuse me, but not questioning and waiting for me to speak up is indirectly doing so. How would I know what to say if I hadn't done anything to start with?"

Yeri realised what she did was stupid, she should have spoken up and just asked straight forward. She looked down to avoid his gaze as a tear fell from her cheek. "I guess as much as I believed there was an explanation, a small part of me couldn't avoid the idea of it... Our marriage didn't quite start off with love did it? I think about it everyday, what if you already had someone else but can't be with her because of me... I'm sorry, I do truly love you Jaehyun, I just can't help these thoughts..."

Jaehyun held her cheeks and pushed her face up, melding his lips with hers the moment she looked back at him. He let go and took her hands, bringing them up onto his shoulders while his travelled down to her waist and held her body tight against his. He pulled away, their foreheads still pressed together.

"I love you too, you're the most beautiful woman I've met. I don't care if we didn't start off the way other couples would, all that matters is that we do love each other now and forever." he kissed her again, slowly pushing her down onto the bed as he hovered above her. Her hands cupped his face as he pulled away, their noses touching lovingly as they stared into each others eyes.

"You know, I never got to take you on a proper honeymoon?" he suddenly whispered as he trailed his nose all over her face, until he stopped next to her ear. "How does Dubai sound?"

Yeri gasped and turned his face to hers. "Are you serious?" she asked and he replied with a smile and peck on her nose.

"I want to take a week off with you, somewhere without any distractions, just the two of us in our own world. We didn't have a proper honeymoon anyways, so let's make this our real one."

Now a year after their marriage, mornings were still Yeri's favourite, because she would wake up in the arms of the man she loved, happy she had him all to herself for the rest of their lives. And on this specific day, despite walking up alone, she smiled more than ever. It was a Saturday morning and Jaehyun would soon return from his week long business trip by lunch, and she knew for sure he would love her surprise.

She prepared a simple lunch for them and it wasn't long until she heard the sound of the door keypad. She then laid the envelope next to his plate and headed out the hallway to greet him, running into his arms the moment he appeared at the door.

Jaehyun grunted at the sudden weight of his wife jumping into his arms, and although tired from the work and travels, he chuckled hugging her back, kissing and sniffing her hair. "I missed you too love." he chuckled putting her feet back on the ground. They pulled away and she immediately took the sling bag off his shoulder and lead him to the living room to leave his luggage for the time being, then tugged him to the dining room.

"You must be exhausted. Eat first then shower and go to sleep. I'll take your bags in our room." she kissed his cheek and left him to do as she said.

Jaehyun smiled watching her figure leave the dining room before turning to his food, his eyes catching the white envelope right away. Curiosity got the best of him and he decided to open it.

Unbeknownst to him, Yeri was quick to return and hid away from his view watching his every move, waiting for his reaction.

As he picked it up Jaehyun could feel it was heavier than it should be and figured it wasn't just a letter. Ripping off the top he first pulled out what looked like a card, with a little baby angel on the cover, and opened it first to read.

Hi daddy, you have nine months to get ready for me(^‿^)♡

His eyes widened at the card before he dropped it aside and pulled out the item left in the envelope, his heart stopping by the sight of it as he pulled off the tissue.

His hand flew to his mouth as he let out a gasp, and Yeri couldn't tell whether the next sounds was of him laughing or crying but figured it was time to go in front of him, hiding the picture behind her. She slowly walked up and stood on the opposite side of the table, and slowly slid the sonogram picture in front of him on the table. She watched as his eyes went from the test to the picture, the test now falling out of his hand as he picked it up instead, eyes scanning the black and white image.

"Three weeks..." Yeri said softly, and smiled when he finally looked up to her, his face completely still with shock. She gulped a little worriedly, when all of a sudden he got up with a loud yell before running around the table and grabbing her by the waist, Yeri feeling herself being lifted up and spun.

"Jaehyun careful!" she yelled when he started to spin around dangerously until they eventually reached the living room and he finally put her down. "What's gotten into you?" she asked. She did not at all except such a reaction and was even more surprised when he pulled her in and kissed her, both falling onto the couch.

"Oh you have no idea Yeri. I only dreamt of this day, but I never thought it could happen so soon. When I fell in love with you all I could see was you as my wife, and the mother to my children. Call me crazy but I'd have scenarios in my head, you pregnant and in bed and I take care of you, listening to the sound of our baby in your belly, stroking your tummy to get it to kick. I even dreamt of us at home with kids running around the house, playing hide and seek with them, taking them on trips, throwing birthday parties. You don't know how much it means to me, nothing makes me happier than to have a family with you."

Yeri teared up just as he did once he finished and hugged him tight. "I'm glad you're happy, I'm happy too." she sniffed his shirt, missing the scent of her husband still.

Jaehyun wasn't kidding about his dreams. He told both their families immediately and got her off work by the time she was 3 months in, and worked only half days himself. He told his father to hire more employees if needed because there was no way he's putting work over his family.

Just as he said, Jaehyun cooked breakfast and lunch everyday in the morning together and would leave them for Yeri to eat. He would then come home after lunch hours and clean up before cuddling with her in bed, his head always on her lap with his ear pressed against her belly trying to listen to their baby. At night they would cook dinner together and finish up with more cuddling in bed before falling asleep.

As time went by Yeri's belly grew, and Jaehyun found it hard to keep his hands to himself. Whenever he had the chance his hand was always rubbing her belly, sometimes even poking where he noticed the baby was pushing itself against.

Yeri couldn't have been any happier with Jaehyun by her side. She would often stay up at night, even throwing up, and he was always hugging her into his chest, singing her back to sleep. She once overheard him half asleep and felt her heart fill up with love. His hand was on her belly, patting it where he felt the baby to be.

"You're so feisty." he chuckled. "You should give your mummy a break. She's carrying you for nine months in here, how amazing is a woman's body right. I just know she'll raise you to be the best, just like her. And I'll always be by your sides, protecting both of you from this world."

Hearing his wife chuckle he turned to her with a smile, kissing her nose as her eyes remained half open. "I wish I could share the pain with you. It hurts me to see you cry."

At first Yeri didn't take much to it, but as time passed she found herself crying over the smallest inconveniences. At one point she woke up in the middle of the night and sat in the upstairs living room balcony, crying. Only this time, she was mad at herself. Of course not feeling her warmth Jaehyun was quick to wake up not too long after and walked fast around the house looking for her, until he saw her back facing him.

Sighing in relief he picked up a blanket from the couch and went outside, draping it over her from behind. However, his heart stopped at the sight of her fresh tear streaked cheeks and quivering lips, and he instantly kneeled next to her cupping her face.

"What's wrong love? Are you feeling sick? Hurt anywhere?"

"I- I'm sorry..." she cried. "I'm disturbing you so much... I cry all the time... And look at me, I'm gaining weight, I don't look like I used to before. I can't even wear any of my dresses to attend work parties, or at least feel pretty. I'm sorry you're stuck with me for this time..."

Jaehyun really couldn't help chuckle, which made her even more upset. "Why do you think like that? My love, what you're going through is nothing to feel bad about, if anything I like that you're always needing me 'cause it makes me feel useful. Besides, I think you look hotter now that you're pregnant." he said with a smirk. Yeri blushed and hit his shoulder before looking away shyly, causing him to laugh more. He got up and kissed her cheek before standing straight and tugging her arms.

"Now, let's head back to bed. I can't sleep without you by me."

The couple headed back to bed, Jaehyun holding her hand while the other supported her back. As she sat on bed she let out a deep breath, tired from the few steps. He sat next to her and pushed her down, keeping her in his arms as they finally laid down to sleep. Jaehyun's hand obviously went to her belly, and Yeri smiled while dragging it across to help him find where the baby was. There was a sudden kick and both soon to be parents became excited.

"What if she becomes a kicker?" he asked tiredly, "I should get her enrolled for taekwondo classes early..."

Yeri chuckled, knowing how he would blab odd things when tired. She closed her eyes, allowing sleep to take over, as she wondered how they went from complete strangers to now new parents.

The biggest progress they've both made.

[pinkpeonyprincessblog]

Thank you for Loving Me

"Baby, time to get up hon, you've got work in an hour", Shawn whispered in my ear, peppering kisses from my brow down to my chin. His calloused fingers- from his favourite hobby- the guitar- running up and down my arms.

"Mmm, morning," I smiled leaning up to meet his soft kiss.

"Is that coffee I smell?"I asked, sitting up slowly, pulling my (Shawn's) favourite over-sized sweater off the arm chair at the side of the bed and standing up only to be pulled into my favourite spot in the world, Shawn's warm embrace.

"Do you really think I'd be so silly as to wake you without the coffee pot at the ready?" he laughed, kissing my temple again, before taking my hand and leading me down the hallway and into the kitchen.

Both Shawn and I worked for the City of Toronto Fire Department, me as a recently qualified paramedic, and Shawn as a firefighter and paramedic. It had been a tough few months for me, the job was demanding and taxing, but I loved it, and I had Shawn and all my work mates to help guide me.

"Sit," he pointed to the barstool where a cup of coffee in my favourite mug and omelette was waiting.

"Ahhh I love you!" I groaned, flopping down in the chair, shovelling a piece of the fragrant food into my mouth.

"I take it it meets your expectations," he laughed, coming to sit next to me.

"Exceeds!" I mumbled around the next mouthful.

Am hour later and Shawn had dropped me at my station, before headed off across town again to his station.

As I made my way into the station the familiar sounds of saws, engines and various other equipment- once so threatening now seemed to welcome me home.

"Hey El.", my work partner and paramedic in charge Jo called, coming to meet me at the locker room door.

"Morning, how are Eli and Felix today?" I asked referring to her two little boys.

"They're okay. Eli had a meltdown before school this morning at having to get out of bed, but once I reminded him that Mummy can't go to work and save people if he doesn't get up and go to school all was well. I swear if the kid doesn't become a firefighter or a paramedic himself one day I'll walk to the moon!" she laughed.

"Aw, he's so sweet, it's so cute how you're his idol, speaking of don't we have that school group coming today?"

"We were supposed to, but due to budget cuts'" she rolled her eyes "the department is no longer able to fund it, apparently it's too expensive and labour intensive to have people out of action."

I sighed, "How are we supposed to encourage the next generation of they can't see it for themselves. I mean I became a paramedic because my school had a field trip to a firehouse."

"You're preaching to the choir here girl, you're preaching to the choir." she laughed, turning and walking out. I went about putting my stuff away before heading to the kitchen/common room where we all spent our time inbetween calls.

The day turned out to be a slow one and by eleven o'clock I was doing laundry- (only having been called out once) when Mo one of the longest serving fire fighters and overall cool dude appeared by the door.

"You've got a visitor El l, there's someone waiting for you it on the apparatus floor."

"Thanks Mo, " I smiled, putting the clothes I had been folding down and heading out the door.

When I got to the apparatus floor, I was slightly shocked. There was Shawn, leaning casually against a Pilar waiting for me a brown bag in one hand- a bunch of sunflowers (my favourite) in the other.

"Shawn... What are you doing here?"I asked, still stunned.

He beamed running and picking me up.

"I had to come speak to chief Hachette about an arson case so I thought I'd surprise my girl.Do you have time for lunch?" he asked just as Jo walked out, stopping in her tracks. She looked so surprised I thought she was going to faint for a minute.

"And who's this?" she asked with a smile, coming over to stand in front of us where Shawn was still holding me.

"Jo meet Shawn." As soon as I said it I knew it was a mistake. A mischievous grin came over her face and I suddenly felt sick at all the intimate details I'd shared with her about our relationship on long nightshifts-mostly under duress, but still.

"Right so we're going to have lunch before we get another call," I spoke quickly, tugging at Shawn's arm to get him to walk before Jo had an opportunity to embarrass me.

"She seems nice," Shawn commented as we found a quiet spot to sit in the grass behind the firehouse.

"She is." I agreed as he handed me a turkey and Brie sandwich from my favourite deli downtown.

Half an hour later and lunch was done all too soon, duty unfortunately calling for Shawn leaving me alone to face the scrutiny of Jo.

"Girrlll, OMG, he's fiinnnee El. I hope youve locked him down cause I want me some of that." she spoke a million miles a minute running to catch up with me a la I made my way back into the common room and through to the laundry to finish folding the clothes from earlier.

"Well, speaking of... " I dug around in my breast pocket, pulling out the engagement ring Shawn had proposed with over the weekend on a mini getaway to the Hamptons.

The scream that left Jo's mouth was louder than expected and sent the whole house into a frenzy. Mo and several of the other firefighters including Tiny and Bug to come running.

When they realised there was no actual issue they turned around grumbling about how we'd pulled then away from the basketball game theyd been placing bets on.

"So when, how, where all the details," she demanded grabbing my arm and jumping up and down. Just the thought of the romantic evening Shawn and I had spent made me giddy again.

However before I got a chance to response the bell went off overhead signalling an incoming call

"Main to 41... Possible GSW, 56th and Main."

I sighed.

It was probably some gang related drug issue again.there were plenty of lovely people , but that side of town had a reputation.

"41 responding," I spoke into the radio, before flicking the switch to the lights and sirens.

When we got to the scene all was well at first, the cops were already there assuring us it was safe to enter, however just as we were about to leave having treated a minor self inflicted wound a man brandishing a gun leapt from a concealed closet.

"Give me all the drugs you have b*TCH." He yelled before either Jo or I could take in what was happening.

"You know we can't do that sir," Jo spoke calmly. Moving to try to assess the man, who's head was bleeding heavily.

"I said give me the f*cking drugs b*TCH ."

He yelled again, storming towards me. The next few seconds were a blur, I heard a shots, there was immense pain in my abdomen and leg and then I crumpled to the floor, whacking my head in the process.

"El, El. Omg, stay with me." Jo panicked.

"41 to main we have an officer down, urgent assistance required for a GSW, EMS required now!" she shouted down her radio.

"Hurts," I gasped as the initial shock wore off and the pain hit, everything seemed to ache, my leg, my ribs, my head. The room was spinning and I was having trouble breathing no longer able to keep track of the flurry of activity.

Somewhere in the chaos,I'm not sure how long after the incident I heard his voice, Shawn's voice and at first I thought I was dreaming, but I managed to open my eyes and there he was, looking down at with with so much fear.

"It's alright baby, I'm here now, we're going to fix it up, you'll be just fine. Can you tell me where it hurts?" he asked.

I went to move, instinctively seeking his comfort, but he stopped me, and I instantly wanted to cry, more than I already was.

"You have to stay still Princess."

I let out a loud groan as he placed an oxygen mask over my face.

"El? Can you hear me?" I grunted, the effort of actually forming words seeming too hard right then. I could feel hands all over me, and as much as I just wanted to be left alone, I also knew , they were trying to help me.

"It hurts," I cried again.

"I know it does honey, but you're going to be okay. I'm here, and so is Connor and Jo, and we'll look after you, and then when we've got you all comfy we'll take you to get all fixed up, how does that sound?"

"Okay, lets get her onto the bed, and then we can assess her from there," Connor suggested, appearing by my side, with a back board and neck collar that Jo had brought over.

"Okay, we're going to roll you onto the board El just let us do all the work okay?" Shawn said.

I let out a serious of screams as they rolled me, gripping Shawn's gloved hand like my life depended on it.

"We'll get you sorted yeah?" Shawn tried to reassure me as they strapped me onto the bed so I was safe, and then starting to push the gurney out the door and towards the entrance of the ambulance which was no more than ten metres away.

"Shawn ," I whispered, tears falling down my face, mixing with the blood which I could feel was congelling on my face.

When we were in the ambulance Shawn and Jo attached me to the hundreds of leads which I was so used to attaching to others while I lay there helplessly.

"I've started some morphine," Jo patted my arm gently as Shawn pulled a blanket over my body as I drifted off into fairy land.

Ten minutes later and we were pulling into the emergency bay.

The automatic doors opened, where we were met with a hoard of staff, ready to assist, the first person being Brian, Shawn and my mutual friend and colleague.

The look of horror on his face when he saw that it was me on the gurney was unsettling.

"She's a priority one, bed four, resus," he directed Shawn, following behind. " What do we know?" He asked, starting to attach monitors and leads to me all over again.

"GSW on scene, while responding to an incident on the other side of town. Wound to leg and abdo, possible broken ribs and concussion." Shawn reeled off.

I wasn't aware that they'd even assessed me, clearly I'd lost consciousness at some point and I wasn't even aware of it.

I lay there mulling over this lapse in memory, letting the chaos wash over me like a wave.

The last thing I was aware of was Brian shouting orders at the floods of nurses, and Shawn standing helplessly in the corner, red-faced from crying, before everything went black.

"Ah, can you turn the lights off!" I groaned as I came to again, reaching to rip off whatever annoying piece of wiring was sitting over my face "My head hurts," I added as a dull.ache consumed my thoughts as Shawn's worried face came into view, his frame helping to block out the blinding light as he bent over the bed.

"Oh thank God I was so worried," he cried kissing me with so much force I forgot to breathe, making the monitor go crazy for a second. "How are you feeling he asked, stopping me from pulling at the thing on my face which turned out to be oxygen tubing

"What happened?" I asked,. I remembered the main.events but the rest was fuzzy, whether from my injuries or from the drugs I had no doubt been plied with I wasn't sure

"You were shot while on-call, drug exchange gone bad, you scared me so bad baby," he whispered, brushing hair out if my face as Brian made his way into the room clearing his throat to announce himself.

"Hi El, it's good to see you awake, how are you feeling?" He asked coming to check a few things on the monitors before flipping my chart that sat at the end of the bed open.

"So as you know you had two gun shot wounds, one to your left let and one to the abdomen, luckily for you they were both clean shots and we didn't need to do anything other than clean and irrigate the areas and stitch you up. You did however manage to fracture three ribs when you fell as well as sustaining a sizable concussion.

"So what does that mean work wise?" I asked. Shawn must have sensed my nerves, because he was sure to keep a hand intertwined with my, the other tracing soft patterns up and down my arm.

"We'll unfortunately, during the fall you fractured your tibia, which has left you in a cast, and pretty well imibilised, I'm sorry to say you'll be relying on this big guy-" he slapped Shawn in the back, "for the next week at least while everything settles.

You'll be in a cast for at least six weeks and off work from a minimum of two weeks with rehab worked in. Rest up El, give me a yell if ya need anything," he spoke to Shawn as he left the room.

"I'll lose my job," I cried, the thought of not being able to do what I loved terrified me.

"No you won't Brian said you'll be sore for a bit and need to rest, not that you'd lose your job, besides now you'll have a real reason to boss me around, I'll be your slave". He laughed covering .me with a blanket and lifting my bung leg to rest it in a pillow.

Besides when you're well enough there are some people who'd like to see you.

"Get some rest and we'll work it all out when you wake up.

True to his word, he helped me with everything, toileting, showering (which proved to be a challenge with the cast), dressing, getting up and down stairs, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, and forcing me to take pain medication when I was too stubborn to admit I needed it.

By the end of the first week though, I was miseeable,.not used to doing nothing but sitting in my behind.

"You my dear, need to get a coat on we're going out!" he announced, coming over with said coat and helping me to stuff my arms in.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"SSH, it's a secret," he grinned, before carrying me to the car and making sure I was all buckled up.

Half an hour later and we were pulling up to the firehouse, where a few of the guys were sat outside playing cards as we made our way (me hobbling haphazardly on crutches) into the firehouse

"Hero in the house!" Mo called out and they all came running.

"I'm so glad you're okay. You scared me girl." Jo sniffled coming to hug me.

"Ouch still a little sore." I laughed leaning into Shawn for support as she blubbered all over me.

"Well sore is better than the alternative.

If it weren't for this one," she pointed to Shawn "you'd be dead."

"You've got yourself a keeper,"Mo added with a smile.

"Well if Mo approves it must be true." I agreed. "I think I'll keep you." I added, causing everyone to laugh.

"Thank you," I whispered to Shawn when the others were out of ear shot.

"For what?" he asked.

"Just for being you and for loving me," I shrugged, snuggling futher into his embrace, feeling greatful just to be alive, let alone call this wonderful human mine.

[goron-king-darunia]

Annon-Guy: If you don't mind me asking, I know we don't see each other in person, but would you say we're friends or acquaintances? I know that I haven't always been on my best behavior here (or patient with you ADHD).

I consider us friends. Not the same sort of friends that I consider my IRL friends that I've known since I was 4 or 5, and not the same sort of friends I've known online for years and I can tell anything to, but, like, past acquaintances. An acquaintance to me is like when my dad comes home from the store and says "Oh, I saw X at the store today!" And I ask "X with the long hair, or X with the curly hair?" and dad goes "No, no, X with the short blond hair. You went to school with each other for 10 Years" and I have to go look at my yearbook and just "Oh! The X I barely ever talked to and who disappeared the last year of school because his mom had cancer. That X." Acquaintance to me is more "I know about you, but I don't actually think about you and probably won't remember you without seeing you. No shade, it's not a bad place to be, you didn't do anything wrong, but you're, like, the outer orbit of my friend group? I think about you sometimes, usually if I'm watching a video about some Sonic the Hedgehog stuff, and I'd definitely notice if you disappeared for a long time without saying anything, but you're not the same level as, say, Aery or Aster who I can tell anything to, you know? It's not a factor of you not doing something or doing something wrong, it's just a factor of time, I feel. We don't have that comfortable familiarity where I know your insecurities enough to feel comfortable with playful teasing or fake flirting or anything I do with closer friends. Again, it's not something you're doing wrong or anything like that. It's just sort of how I noticed friendships go for me. You're like a "Friend through Shared Interest" sort of friend. I know we share a lot of fandoms in common, but we're not, like, emotionally close through shared experience like childhood friends, you know? It's... a practical friendship? I guess you could describe it that way. We have interests in common so it makes sense to be friends, but it's more of a tie of coincidence at this moment rather than, like, a friendship forged together over years of warmth and intimacy. It's kind of... like if a seed falls off a tree and doesn't grow, that's not a friendship. That's an acquaintance. The seed and nutrients of the soil are adjacent, but nothing's happening. Then there's the sort of friends we are. The soil conditions were right, the seed fell in a little hole and got buried in good soil. Common foundation of interests. It's... a weed? Again, not in the sense that it's unwanted, just in the sense that it happened by coincidence. It's a thing that happened naturally, but no one's coming out to water this sprout every day, you know? Both of us are kind of just watching this little sprout grow. Then there's my more cultivated friendships. People I mostly know from online, but I'm comfortable talking to about anything. Friendships where both sides share and we know more intimate details about each other. The sort of friendship where maybe we don't know each other IRL or have each others' addresses, but we're chill and vibing. People I'm comfy sharing my face and voice with. Both sides come out with watering cans and fertilizer and we're helping the tree grow, you know? And then there's like, my sworn brothers style of friends. Known each other for years, or at least got to know them VERY intimately over hours and hours of talking, working together, sharing in the labor of making that tree not only grow, but blossom. People I'd let into my house, no questions asked. People I'd probably donate a kidney to. People I'd actively make sacrifices for to help them succeed. This is like, mostly my closest childhood friends, my partner, Aery, and a friend who's not on Tumblr very much but also met online (Enrique, just in case he reads this. XD) The distinctions aren't really a hard line and you don't really have to do anything WRONG to not be in the innermost ring, you know? I've had friends who I would have gladly donated an organ to just... go off grid or move away or just kind of... walk out of my life and hence they've kind of walked to

somewhere between the cultivated and coincidental friendships over time. They didn't do anything wrong, they didn't hurt me or bother me. We just grew apart. And I think everyone that's in my innermost "blooming" tier of friendships has been through all the other stages at some point. So, like, yeah. We're friends. I'm not going to give you a kidney any time soon or give you my home address, but, like, you're definitely more than an acquaintance. 10/10 would play party games with.

[sunshinee-sunflowerr]

When I saw this I was immediately triggered and that’s how I knew I had to share it. Other than the fact that it is important as fuck to share something like this. But the second part of that post almost aligns with what had happened to me with my ex Dan. I have issues with sexual dysfunction and tend to lose feeling down there and that leaves me feeling betrayed by my own body. I feel so worthless and pathetic already as it is when it happens because I’m sensitive and it is humiliating when I start to cry. I don’t even get to like fully enjoy something so intimate because I’m a very passionate person and I love all types of deep connection. And he ruined it. It had stopped being such a beautiful thing for me. The second I asked him to stop and that I had mentioned I wasn’t enjoying it, he became the person I didn’t think he could truly ever be. He laid down on me. Like I’m talking all of his weight was on me, and he whined about how good it felt to stay in me and finish. I felt nothing and everything all at the same time, I wasn’t being heard, I was just a body, and I didn’t matter anymore. This was someone who was stronger than me. This was someone who I loved and straight up disrespected me to the point where I myself are in a traumatic position, I had to literally match his thrusts just so he’d come faster because I knew that was the only safe way to get him off of me. And that was humiliating and violating. I had no other choice. And to this day this man still tries to say he didn’t rape me but SIR WHEN YOU DO SHIT LIKE THAT YOU ARE A FUCKING RAPIST. YOU IGNORED MY PLEAS AND MADE ME FEEL SO UNSAFE AND I FELT LIKE MY BODY WASN’T EVEN FUCKING MINE ANYMORE. YOU GAVE ME PTSD FOR ALL THE OTHER FUCKED UP TIMES THAT I HAD LET SLIDE BECAUSE I FELT COERCED INTO IT. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. And what had haunted me every time I wanted to go somewhere, I had to take my car. It happened in my car. I had to drive myself after that with cum dripping down my legs. I had to see a flashback every time my mind drifted towards the back. I will never EVER let myself be in that position again. Dan broke me. I’m the one who pulled myself out and I’m still healing.

It was from 2016 and trauma tells no time, I’m lucky I don’t feel the weight of your body still pinning me down during intimate times. I saw you in the faces of whoever was on top of me. I would get panic attacks and cry. You fucking ruined me and my trust and I will ruin you if you ever dare try to come into my life again.

The Relationship Aspect:

Not many people know about the sleep fucking, or when you would take my thumb out of my mouth when I was asleep because I still had some hard time sleeping so I would suck my thumb sometimes and you would replace your it with your dick and then ejaculate down my throat and I'd wake up to such a horrible taste. My inner child does scream for she was only 15-17 and I let it slide because you had so much power over me and I did so much to make you happy even though it didn't make me happy myself. Let's not forget when I wasn't in the mood sometimes so you would turn around away from me with no sound nothing and straight up fell asleep because I said no or that I don't want to have sex with you. And then there were times where you would sexualize me, you would look up my skirt or you would look at my pants and tell me about my panty lines and basically scare me and make feel little. You were constantly pointing them out and laughing, conditioning me even to never wear comfy underwear, I have more thongs than any type of other underwear. And now I'm finally getting used to wearing normal underwear again just because I was felt like someone was doing the same shit that you did to me. I felt grimy. And let's not forget when you would steal my panties and you would bring them home and jerk off in them and cum in them and to top it all off you would bring them back to my house and throw them in my dirty laundry so they can be washed so you can repeat that cycle. And the worst part is that you probably took some before we broke up and I never got them back. Fuck you. How about all those times you never asked if you could cum in me but you still did even though I fucking hated it, and you’d get mad at me when your sheets were ruined because of you the mess you made in me and I still fucking hate it it's only such a rare occasion for me to ever let that happen during any intimate moment now. Also let's not forget your greediness for my photos. My naked photos that you kept to get off to even after we broke up and still demanded more and other shit when I was with someone else it was disgusting.

The Party:

Oh here’s a memory that’s gonna be fucking me soon, once late October arrives I’m going to be thinking about that night I decided to try and most past you. That fucking college party was the biggest gray area that was so painful and smoggy. It was grey because I was still figuring my shit out and mentally screwed up from the actions of you. I'll never forget, how are used to feel guilty and how are used to blame myself for all of this. And I got to a point where we had mutual friends and I just wanted to forget all about it and learn to forgive you. As soon as ready, Matt and I went to that party that Anthony was throwing and you were there, and you had no problem laughing off your drunk ass I front of me about rape jokes. If I hadn't been high and Matt being so drunk we would've left and I remember calling my mom in the hallway crying telling her about that little part of what happened that night. And then later that night you got so fucking drunk, made everybody your babysitter and I still fucking hate myself for the side you brought out even though you caused me so much harm. You brought out my fucking maternal side which I hated because like I said in that moment of time it wasn’t black or white for me, it was grey. It was so fucking gray. And I took care of you that night because you were so fucking drunk, I remember you asking me or saying something about how I hated you. And then later that night I ended up sandwiched between you and Matt, and you decided to touch me through my pants even when I was cuddled up to Matt and I thought maybe there would’ve been some change but in the end you were still assaulting me. I didn’t sleep at all that night, and it sent me backwards, I felt like all of the progress that I had made was gone it was dehumanizing and I threw out those sweatpants and they were brand fucking new and they were Calvin Klein my favorite designer which hurt even more because I used my money to get something I really wanted for comfort and you just stumble in cocked off of what 3 beers? And ruin even the smallest things that could’ve made me more comfortable? Heinous and out right disgustingly disrespectful.

Trauma talk aftermath:

I betrayed myself sleeping with you even after the rape, and you knew so much about me so I couldn't even fucking report it even though I had the proof of you admitting to what you did. But Im always scared because my reputation was at stake and it was so easily corrupted by your lies as it is. I had no choice. You could've easily ruined my life and I wasn't about to let you so I ruined mine but little did I know that you were already ruining mine. And you still haven't taken accountability for your actions and I'm still suffering the consequences of those horrible behaviors that you were still using to this day probably. And I can't even imagine how many other girls like me there must be now.

Here's to all the nightmares that circulate in my head at night still in that feeling of fear of having and experiencing that PTSD kick into hyper drive. And all the ones I've yet to have when I have new partners in my life, because I have nightmares of them doing the same thing that you did to me and it's traumatizing. Because even though I know they are not you for that split second I am terrified of them. And I saw another post about how when sexual assault survivors even get a whiff of the scent of their abuser they are in panic; and I honestly don't blame them. I was at school the other day, and in the air I smell whatever type of detergent was used to fill the air with your scent, I was in panic for a couple minutes looking around trying to figure it out where you were. It's so fucked up that you've had such lasting effects on me like why isn’t hating you and going through all of that trauma shit enough. And I'm so tired of the panic and anxiety attacks that you still bring into my life whether it is indirect or direct.

And looking back now after going off of that and emotional spiel about what you did and how I still feel towards these events today. I realize all the ways how I am not gonna be treated in the future. You saw the light inside of me, and when you stepped into my life that light dimmed within each day that passed that I saw who you were. And it took all of my power away; but I am taking all of that power back and you will never ever use it again and you will never have it in your possession because I know I will forever be a better person and not let you win. And I know that I wasn't a good girlfriend at the time as well but you were also I'm manipulative narcissistic asshole. And I blamed myself for all of the times that I was mad at you and thought I deserved it all. And I deserve none of that shit. It was you that didn’t deserve me and all the love I gave you. All of clothes I bought you, all of the stupid ass Pokémon cards i grabbed for you because I knew it was important to you to collect them, all of the silly $7 cards to go with each thing I gave you. All of the handwritten notes. Helping you match your clothes and fold your shit. Fuck you and for all you have taken from me and didn’t even fucking say sorry or be truly appreciative.

More Trauma Talk 2020-2021 edition:

Consent is so important to me, because it was stolen from me as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. I want to take a moment to also talk about my second ex-boyfriend named Dan as well how ironic I never thought I'd say I love you Dan ever again. But the first night we hooked up, he was so patient with me which in all honestly is sad but it truly took my breath away with the time that he spent on me making sure I knew that I was safe because he knew that I have been raped. And every once in a while he asked me if I was OK and I thought that was the most amazing thing ever little did I know that that's actually what you're supposed to do and that it's not the bare minimum. And after all of that he still had one of those moments where he traumatized me and put me back into the place where you had put me days before Christmas… which is now a tainted holiday as well as Halloween for me. Thanks a lot.

Wow… fuck this is a lot for anyone let alone me to endure and/or read and I just want to say that felt so fucking good to finally write it all down and speak my truth and let others know that not every sexual assault or rape has to be violent (well it’s violence either way, but you know getting the shit beaten out of you stereotypical type) it can be sweet until it turns sour, it can be public, it can be sneaky, it can be with someone you gained the ability to trust who was so good in the beginning. It can be anyone and that’s the real scary part because I don’t know whose intentions are actually true until they read my stuff and reassure me about how they feel about me. It’s the only way and even then I’m still scared of wanting to be intimate with someone new. It’s another strong reason as to why I am practicing celibacy for a bit.

Finished on 9/20/2021